Area woman sets world record with one millionth unsuccessful attempt at cottage rental

This weekend, a local woman set a new worldwide record by making her one millionth unsuccessful attempt to book a historic Crystal “Cool” beach cottage.  

“I can’t believe I was the first one to do this!” Ms. Mary Squidward of Laguna Beach exclaimed when she was reached for comment. “It’s a real honor.”

To reach the lofty goal, Ms. Squidward began her dedicated-but-doomed pursuit back when the first round of restored Crystal “Cool” beach cottages first opened to the public in 2006.  Since then, she has employed a variety of attempts to try and rent a cottage, all of which unfortunately failed. Past tactics included enlisting her husband to type on the same keyboard as her to “double the speed”, renting out hundreds of Amazon AWS cloud computers to simultaneously login to the site when rentals went live at 8 am, and showing up at the reservation desk wearing a fake moustache claiming to be a unspecified country’s foreign consulate.

Ms. Squidward crossed the millionth reservation attempt this past weekend after booking a vacation to Kiribati’s Line Islands in an attempt to beat the system and get the cottage a day early. Unfortunately, even after spending the night in the island’s hotel room that was closest to the International Date Line, her dedicated efforts failed again.

“It turns out that flying out to a different time zone does not actually mean you travel to the future, even if it’s the one furthest out,” said Ms. Squidward. “Kiritimati is a nice city, but do you know how much it costs to book a flight there?”

After her disappointed return to Laguna Beach, Crystal “Cool” Conservancy officials greeted Ms. Squidward at her door Sunday afternoon to present her with an award for her achievement. “The [Crystal ‘Cool’ Conservancy] staff gave me a framed certificate and some sort of weird shake as a gift,” she said. “They said it was a new ‘Bananacado Selfie Shake’ that their restaurant now had. It tasted a little gritty.”

Ms. Squidward was both pleased and somewhat humbled by the honor, which will be certified and submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records later this month.  

“I would have rather had a cottage rental, but the certificate was such a nice consolation prize,” she said.  “And no matter what, there’s always 8 am tomorrow morning to try again!”


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